Dear Campers:
Some of the goys amongst you have asked “Hey how come this camp has so many jews in it? Wasn’t this camp supposed to have wit, brains and good taste?” Well, yes, of course, that is rather the point, but it is also because the jews are such a clean people that we try to keep them around in hopes of spreading good habits of personal hygiene. Anyone with any doubts concerning this point should simply check under the underpants the of nearest jewish lad sitting nearby. As to the jewish lassies, they normally have a sign down there saying “Closed During Menses,” which is almost as good.
But before all you jewish boys and girls get too snotty, just remember that you’re damned to hell—which is one other reason we have you here in Camp Nietzsche, i.e., we are hoping to save your souls. So take seriously the following EASTER LEGEND, in part because you don’t want to spend eternity like a KFC chicken wing, frying in a lake of fire; and in part because if we goys can’t get something like 100,000 of you signed up on “our team,” Jesus isn’t going to come back to earth and institute his happy reign over our planet. Don’t be self-centered about this, think about some people outside of “your tribe” for a change, please...
EASTER LEGEND
Is there anything less tolerable than a new, first time parent? They’re shoving photos of their lousy infants into your face at every opportunity, and they act as if their baby was the first exceptional thing to have happened since chimpanzees dropped out of the trees and started to walk. And then they bore you with their stupid stories of how junior can say MA or Tillie can do advanced calculus and she’s only three months old...
If you think humans are bad on this point, think of how the gods take this phenomenon and make it exponentially WORSE. When Yaweh, for example, impregnated Sophia, and she produced Jesus, the rest of gods found the new parents to be utterly insufferable. Zeus and Hera would run away the moment they saw either of them coming around the corner. Thor and Freya started making jokes behind their backs, but told them loud enough so the new parents could hear—in hopes of finally shutting them up. “Jesus looks like a monkey,” “I think he’s a retard,” and so on.
Sophia finally started putting her photos into an album for herself, but Yaweh was pissed. He had a thing about being under-appreciated, and so he decided to send Jesus to earth. After all, earthlings were made in the image of the gods, maybe he could get some appreciation there. And that is how we got Christmas.
Unfortunately, Yaweh sent Jesus into an occupied country, and if you want a sense of that, pretend you were a native in El Savador in the 1980s, or a native of Iraq right now. This means the quislings and occupying army took Jesus and tortured him to death.
“Dad, get me the fuck OUT of here!!” cried Jesus. “Beam me UP! Beam me UP!” was a message he continually punched into his cell phone.
So Yaweh took Jesus back home. It took a couple days, the angels thought they were working for a USA transportation system. But it was done.
And that’s how we got Easter.
Jesus’ gay friend John (the one he loved a lot) told everybody else that Jesus would be coming back. When Sophie asked Jesus about it, Jesus is said to have said “My, my, my, once bitten, twice shy, babe!”
And that’s how Great White got a hit a couple decades ago.
In the meantime, John’s message got messed up over time. Instead of fucking other men, people who said they knew what following Jesus meant started fucking little boys—or other men’s wives. And they got paid for it.
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